Three Parts

In the last few months, our world has been turned upside down, not only in an amazingly good way but also in a way that has presented unparalleled challenges. I know I stated that I would blog our journey through this adoption; however, I have found that is definitely easier said than done. It is extremely difficult to put the words to the ebb and flow of our thoughts and emotions surging through our hearts and minds. Never the less, here is an attempt at describing this journey.

Humpty Dumpty: It was not a smooth transition from beginning to live our lives child free after five plus years of trying to conceive to realizing that your about to adopt a child. There was no switch to flip. In a nutshell, I discovered that I had grown fearful of making decisions, overly dependent on others, and most of all untrusting of everything and anyone around me, including myself. It was a rocky transition from avoiding the baby section of stores in fear of having a teary eyed meltdown to being thrust into the fire of an all pink baby isle at Babies R’ Us with having to coherently decide on which diapers, wipes, pack & play, bassinet or other items to purchase. I was overwhelmed with a flush face; I could not make a decision without consulting close friends or Ben. Often I would catch myself placing 10 things into the cart then to one by one remove them, as I second-guessed myself with trying to get the “right” product. At one point, I even left Macy’s sobbing after seeing a bib with the words “My First Thanksgiving”. I swiftly walked into Things Remembered to try to gather myself only to break down once again while looking at the keepsakes that I could possibly give to the birth mother as a small gift or memento. The store clerk was clearly confused, when she asked me if I needed any help. I could not contain my tears or the heart racing in my chest as I whispered, I just need a minute. Through it all Ben was there to guide and encourage me with kind and reassuring gestures to keep me going or to help me walk away when I needed a break.

I felt like Humpty Dumpty trying to get back on the wall. It took me a few trips to the baby isles to discover that over the years with struggling with infertility that my self-confidence had eroded into a pile of rubble. Even when working on the second floor renovation, we had to learn to suck up our awkwardness with doing unfamiliar things and just do it. We both have learned that we allowed infertility to rob us of our self-confidence to try new things or even do things we once enjoyed.

My heart has been overflowing with wanting to feel every moment of this whole experience. I so, SO….wanted to believe it was really happening but all the while my mind was trying to build a wall around my heart from the hurt that I have come to known with the loss of each of our pregnancies. I knew and know the risks of the birth mother or father changing their minds. Ben and I have both made the commitment to learn to enjoy every moment as if it is our last with this child. Meaning, we will love this child with all that we have and nothing less because she deserves all that we can give her and more. If the birth parents change their minds then we know we have done all that we could to love and care for her. We decided there really is no other way to look at or handle this situation. As best we could, we learned to suck it up to overcome self-doubt and the fear of yet another broken heart because the reward outweighs the risk. We would be no worse off with empty arms or in the broken heart department if things changed in the end but lucky enough to have had any time nurturing this child.

Sorrow: We have gained a new perspective after taking a few steps back from the world of sadness and uncertainty that submerges those dealing with infertility. It is like quicksand, sucking you in, trapping you, and almost choking any last bit of happiness from you. I truly never realized how unhappy I was until I stepped away to start focusing on all the good that this child could bring us and us to her. This outside look at our lives has made me grateful for my loving husband, great friends that have stood by our sides through thick and thin, and all the good things that we have within our lives that were seemingly hidden from our view.

I can look back now and say – geesh UGH. Just plain ugly. Previously, I had written that infertility changes you… and I think I know how it does. I believe that I had become comfortable with being sad and functioning within a place of darkness because that is a majority of what our lives revolved around. You could say that I was trapped within it, failing to recognize what happiness is or what happiness really feels like. We needed to learn to step out and away from this unhealthy perspective to be all that we can for this child and for ourselves. I understand that no one can make someone happy or come out of this fog of sadness that infertility brings unless that person is ready to move on within his or her own lives. Understandably, we each travel down unique paths that make us who we are now and who we are yet to be. We have come to understand that we need to be strong enough to show this child what happiness is, within herself and us.

Forgiveness: In these months of growth, I have found myself wanting to apologize to those that I have hurt their feelings by avoidance or wounded with unkind words. I am in the midst of owning my behavior. In not to make light of… but somewhat similar to a 12-step program or a cleansing of the soul.

First, to my husband who unbelievably I have pushed away time and time again as some stupid form of offense, maybe self-preservation, reject first instead of being rejected. Instead of walking away, this man has loved me even more and allowed me to place my trust within his hands and heart in my own time and way.

Second, to our extended family and friends, who may not fully understand the walls I have built around Ben and myself. Thank you for continuing with not giving up on trying to show us the happiness that lies just beneath our insecurities.

Third, to those still trapped within the quicksand as you have been within similar shoes despite not knowing just how to help. I apologize for my insecurities that have reared its ugly head in the form of being angry, bitter, mistrusting, and argumentative. As stated above, we had to learn to step out and away from this seemingly unhealthy perspective to be all that we can for this child and for ourselves.

As hindsight is always 20/20, none of the above are excuses wrapped within an explanation. These three parts of our journey are what they are… mere current perspectives of how we have handled things and feelings in our journey to become parents through adoption after navigating the winding road of infertility.