A recurring theme has been popping up in the past several weeks. It has perplexed me to no end until it finally hit me when I was strolling around a few yard sales. I simply equate it with taking toddlers blocks and trying to slam a square block into a star spot. Now, let me explain a little more. In the world of infertility the longer a couple struggles, the more we ask questions that require absolute reassurance or the straight up truth from others. We simply want to know an answer regardless of whoever is asked, qualified or not to give an answer. It is seeking answers to technical questions before we ask the professional who really can only give their best estimate of an outcome. The bottom line is that we do this to prepare ourselves for any rejection that whatever we might face through hearing the answer or results. Rejection hurts through and through, each month as time slips away from us as we search for ways to build our family.
A few months ago, we were asked if we were interested in adoption, we said yes but really did not think too much about it in fear of getting our hopes up. Last month on August 15, we were invited to dinner to meet with a young woman and her father, who were considering us as an adoptive couple for her child. We were excited and overwhelmed with emotion to say the least. I even wrote out a list of questions that I ended up just staring at but no words would come out of my mouth (now there is a shocker). They wanted to ask questions get to know us a little better before making a final decision. By the end of our dinner conversation, the young woman asked us to become the adoptive parents of her baby girl due at the end of November. We were blown away!!!
Two days later, we were in doctor’s office with her to hear the heartbeat of 150 and the baby was 25 weeks and three days. A month later, we had the opportunity to again hear the heartbeat at 29 weeks 3 days. We are still over the moon with excitement for this amazing gift. So many questions to get started…so much to do!!!
At this point, we have completed 98% of the paperwork required for the home study for the adoption just waiting on final clearances from the state and results of a water test. We have been steadily working on finishing the upstairs but in a holding pattern because the some quotes to finish it are just too high and out of budget. In the meantime, we have found a crib, mattress, and a dresser/changing table. Good friends of ours are letting us borrow several items to help keep our costs down. I have been fast and furiously finding great deals on eBay for new clothes and bedding. For my splurge item, I found an amazing, handmade quilt of heirloom quality, for when she gets a little older. At this point, we are sticking to covering the basics and we will add as we go.
I have paused with writing out our continued journey once again as we are about to embark on somewhat uncharted ground for us. It is awkward at best with writing our child’s adoption story but one that I think is OK to write about, because again it is our journey to become a family. Yes, over two years ago, we did take adoption classes through Catholic Charities with Family Services, but this is very different because this is a private adoption without involving an agency and the birth mother found us through NBNL.
I have no idea how to explain what my heart has felt over the last month. It yearns deeply inside, desperately trying to come out to wrap our love around this child without yet holding her in our arms. At times I can feel myself partly pulling away to protect myself from possible heartbreak. Thoughts and feelings explode inside of me as they come out as tears of nervousness that she or the birth father may change their minds, or even worse, that something may go wrong with pregnancy. I suppose having these doubts are only natural until after the birth and after the finalization of the legal paperwork. We have told ourselves as a way of self-preservation that we will love and prepare her with all that we have. There is no other way that we can think to fully open our hearts by the time she is ready to arrive. If by chance, something does go wrong or minds are changed, then we did all that we could to give her all that this baby deserves. Yes, it is a risk but no bigger one than if I was pregnant again. I would still love and prepare our baby despite being scared that I might miscarry again. This is where the theme comes into play, (toddler’s blocks and trying to slam a square block into a star spot). I want to know with the most absolute certainty that everything will be OK but I also understand there is no way to predict the future.
This brave, young woman supported by her devoted and supportive father found and learned of New Blossoms New Life Foundation and then found us. We cannot to begin to thank NBNL for being there. As I was reminded earlier today that despite the tragic loss of Maggie’s life, there has been so much life and good has been brought into this world in her honor through New Blossoms New Life Foundation. This is just another shining example of her spirit that lives on.
Saying thank you is an understatement of our gratitude to both NBNL and the unselfishness of this young woman to allow us to adopt her child.
Laughed Until We Cried.... 