Out of a fog

Last Tuesday, I had sort of a mini awakening as I was standing in my shower frozen in thought as the hot water hit my back.  I am ready to start again.  My thoughts felt clear if only for a brief moment and my heart not as heavy.

They say hindsight is 20/20 – well no crow! My perspective on the last two months has been a little foggy. It seems for me sometimes the lessons in life do not reveal themselves until my heart is open and the mind is ready to receive them.   Here I wait on a life lesson that I am theoretically to learn.  Usually, when I am cleaning the house or doing something by myself, I can really get lost in my thoughts. It is doing the work of clearing out the cobwebs in my head to make sense of a difficult situation, but not this time.  I have written in a prior post that I know that we will move forward no matter what the outcome but that was a lot easier said than done.

Since October 7^th (results day of the failed IVF cycle) I can look back and say I was walking around in a fog on autopilot.  I think when a person going through infertility gets bad news or knocked down they then learn to come up swinging first, then to ask questions second. Perhaps it is a knee jerk reaction or a fight or flight response. You end up fighting yourself: beat up by your emotions, and second-guessing everything you do or everything you want in your life.   I can feel that I have lost a little bit of my fight in this last attempt. I do not know exactly what that means just yet but I feel as if I have lost a bit of my edge or confidence that this will work and/or coming to the realization that it may never work.

My heart breaks with the very strong possibility that I may never be able to provide my husband with a child of his own. There…. I said it.  In black and white, my greatest fear, set out for the entire world to see.  I believe this thought is hidden deep inside of all the men and women trying to conceive, acknowledged by us or not. In the last two months, it has been on the forefront on my mind despite my best efforts to distract myself from the devastating truth.

We have rarely worked out since my last post, nor did we run in the Turkey Trot – 5k race.  Our focus had turned on the 2^nd floor renovation, two bedrooms and the hallway.  All the lathe and plaster and 37yr old mouse hotel insulation was removed. Rewired the upstairs electrical for safety reasons then we had spray foam insulation put in to fill in all the small nooks and gaps in the walls. We are in a holding pattern before we put up the drywall.  Next step, fix the holes in the ceiling then add more insulation to the attic above the rooms. Figuring that if we are making a mess, might as well do it all at one time rather than clean up twice – three times maybe four or more!  In the meantime, I found a very cool hallway light pendant that matches the aqua colored Hemingray 1893 no. 12 electrical insulator we found in crawl space.   Overall, we are happy with the progress thus far.  Knocking things off the list to do each week and learning new things as we go has been a huge and welcomed distraction.

And so, what does it mean that I am ready to start again? I think it means that time has hardened my heart and cleared my mind to be able to adequately prepare or psych myself up to go another round of IVF.   I really don’t know but I think that will fit for now until proven otherwise.  Or maybe hope has snuck in once again as it whispers…“try one more time.”

Thanks for reading and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving Day.