Something is stuck in my wheels as I am slowly grinding through the past few weeks. It is like a car with a bad transmission or clutch; the gears are slipping and jumping. Eagerly trying to turn my wheels to figure things out with others and myself has been very challenging. I cannot explain some of the intense feelings within me. I have wrongly lashed out at those that walked the same path to have a family and I have no idea why. Guesses would only serve a temporary application with no resolve, so I am not going to try to explain. Apologizes were made but somehow seem inadequate to fully and sincerely convey to them what their friendship, love and support has meant since I have come to know them.
This blog has been a source of frustration lately. Recently, someone has even quoted to me, “the road to hell is always paved with good intentions.” My good intentions with this blog are:
- public awareness of infertility;
- public awareness of New Blossoms New Life Foundation;
- allow me to vent and to try to make sense of our journey toward parenthood ; and
- perhaps to allow others to relate and to let them know that they are not alone
I cut open my thoughts and feelings until they bled out into the blog. You could say that I am working to get out the gunk stuck in my wheels to try to move forward and be a better person, wife, and friend.
I would like to believe with my blog that I can write what I want and feel, because it is our journey, and no one else’s. Found it incomprehensible when a few criticize my feelings or our journey, saying I should feel or think this and that I should not feel or should not think that way. Along with that, I should be accepting of others journeys’ and take in account their feelings. I get it, but we can agree to disagree that some people think one way and others think another. Yes, I now acknowledge and understand that my words have hurt the feelings of others in how I have expressed them. Yes, I have learned to express myself without directly quoting or personally calling out others. It has not made me feel better to do so nor resolve anything.
I am my father’s daughter and I love and hate it at the same time. I was raised to be strong, assertive with a “take no shit” attitude. I have always prided myself for speaking my mind, real or even raw to a fault. It comes with a heavy price at most times as I find myself cringing afterwards because I tactlessly hurt someone’s feelings. It is an uncanny ability to piss people off when I do not have a filter in place to soften the message. Reacting with emotions rather than thoughts always gets me into hot water no matter how hard I have tried. Really, I do try. I get it… I lack a BIG filter. I have been trying to apply it my entire life, adding layer after layer trying to find the right fit, but not quite enough coverage just yet. I would like to think that I’m work in progress.
My new clients with older and well lived in homes are always told that their house is like a piece of paper that has become crumpled with use over time. And no matter how much we try to smooth it out, it will still have the lines on it. I suppose the same is true with apologies, no matter the intentions, I cannot undo any hurt but I can try to keep it clean in the future.
Laughed Until We Cried.... 