Choices

I have been hesitant of writing out my jumbled thoughts as each day brings a new set of them. Searching for clarity when most of the time my thoughts are hardly making sense to me let alone trying to write them down.   On an emotional rollercoaster that I never wanted, on and trying to get off of each day. Trying to erase the pain of disappointment and searching for the right path on so many levels.

We have still not made a decision on continuing to build a family. The reasons?  Those are personal and too deeply detailed to describe for at least now.  I am not willing to cast ourselves into the pious judgment of others despite putting this blog “out there” for the entire world to see.  I am still blogging as an avenue to vent and put things into perspective.  Perhaps I am waiting for a strong feeling to lead me in one direction over the others.

Practicing Choice

The last six or more weeks have offered various forms of practice sessions with choice.  I have been working on choosing to either let things get under my skin or let them go because in the end those things or people do not matter and are not helping me move forward.

For example, this past 4^th of July we had a whole host of Ben’s family members over for a picnic.  I actually had a good time, maybe in part in thanks to Ben accidently buying the 100 proof Captain Morgan instead of the regular. On the other hand, maybe in part due to upping my meds over the last few weeks to be able to tolerate and enjoy the good parts of his family.  The kids were the highlight and a blast to have around the house.  I already look forward to them coming next year.

The bummer part was that not one person in Ben’s family could even muster up an utterance of something to the effect of “I heard the bad news, sorry about the last IVF cycle failing.”  I even brought up the subject a few times as a mini test to see what they would say or do but not one person could even acknowledge it.  The lack of concern or understanding hurts the most and I am not sure just why but it does. Maybe it is the lack of the recognition of our five miscarried babies and even the immense struggles we faced to try to have them. They will always be a part of us despite not being physically birthed or present.  I know that to move on I need to stop worrying about understanding or acknowledgement from others that have demonstrated their true colors that have shown through as lack luster at best.  I choose to be better than that and choose to be a survivor not a victim of infertility.

Many years ago while working in a group home for troubled youth, Amanda age 15, read me the following passage as the tears rolled down her cheeks.  She wanted and struggled so much to tell me how she felt about she was going through in her young life.  It is more poignant than ever right now in my life.

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King, Different Seasons

When I used to Coach College and high school swimming, I used to say to the kids that, “there are good choices in life and bad choices.  And if you keep repeating the bad choices then you have not learned the lesson that it was meant to teach you.”  I have to look for the lesson that letting go is trying to teach me.  The choice to move beyond the bitterness, anger and the rest of the ugliness that has crept in, to look for the good or the proverbial silver lining within all things or people. Maybe become an optimist with a twist of a realist thrown in for good measure.   I have to believe that we will get over this speed bump and navigate through our lives with a newfound perspective of choice.  I choose to let go of the jealousy when I hear the never-ending drone of baby talk and the comparing of stories of my kids do this and my kids do that.  I let it go because it does not do me any good or enable me to move forward. I choose to let go of other’s opinions of “having kids out of wedlock is like the new black,” thus equating their children to the latest fashion trend or as if they are an accessory.   I let it go because it is not something I would ever choose for my life or for my children.

Working to set a new focus, planning our future without planning for children, which has not been easy to say the least.  Full of thoughts but right now, I am void of most feelings, dull like a stub of well-used pencil.  I have spent a lot of time reflecting and getting lost in thought as I wander through Home Depot and Lowes looking for something to fill the void I have in my heart.  I look forward to the day in which I can wake with excitement about which direction to head instead of searching for some great epiphany in home improvement stores.

For now, I choose to keep my mind and hands busy while working on the 2^nd floor renovation (nope still not complete) slowly stripping the paint and refinishing the wood on a door to the crawl space as well as in the stairwell.  The cleaning business has been steadily picking with up new clients.  And with a labor of love, I spend time volunteering to help plan events for New Blossoms New Life Foundation.  I choose to keep moving forward.